ASK SMART GIRL: The Millennial Love, Sex, Relationship and Dating Advice Column
Dear Smart Girl: I’m not sure if you’ll see this, but I’m in need of your help. I just read your post about never calling a guy and realized I’ve been making a mistake.
I’m usually pretty aloof and picky when it comes to relationships. But this guy… I fell for him head over heels. I thought, this guy is worth putting in effort for. So I did. I was more enthusiastic about texting him compared to when I texted anyone else. I called him often first. He later dumped me because he wasn’t feeling an emotional connection.
To this day, I’m not really sure what that means.
But a few days ago, three months after the breakup, we caught up. He texted me saying he still misses me a lot and that he still really likes me. I, again, responded way too enthusiastically. I texted him. I called him.
Now I realize that he’s back to being passive about reaching out to me. And after reading your post, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s because I’ve been too enthusiastic when contacting him. I shouldn’t have called him first…
Will you help me? He’s the love of my life.
Best,
Ms. Something’s Missing
Dear Ms. Something’s Missing: I can totally help you, but I want to make sure you’re actually going to listen to the advice I’m about to give you. It might be hard and you might think I’m being harsh, but I’m speaking from my own experience and from all of the mistakes my BFFs and I have made over the years. You seem like a Smart Girl, so listen up.
How annoying is it that once you show him you’re kind of interested, he all of a sudden becomes passive and distant? You’re probably thinking, How unfair! Why do we always have to play games? If he’s the love of my life, shouldn’t we just be real with each other? The answer is, NO. If you want this guy to fall in love with you, you have to play the game for his own good. It sucks, I know, and it’s hard, but if you do it and really stick to it, he’ll fall in love with you. The reason I’m so sure about that is because this is SO typical. All of a sudden, once he hasn’t seen you in a while, he starts missing you. But then, when he realizes how easy it’ll be to be with you again, he gets bored. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, on the contrary, he probably does. All he needs is a little bit of uncertainty from you so that he can be certain about it.
So, what do you do? It’s really quite simple.
- Don’t call him. EVER. Just don’t even think about calling and don’t even call him back if you missed his call. (Yes, I’m serious.)
- Be super nice on texts but say you’re busy when he wants to meet up. (BTW – being super nice on texts DOES NOT mean texting first, or texting twice in a row. It means waiting at least 20 minutes to answer his texts – but being nice and cheerful when you do.)
- As a general rule, treat him the way you would treat a guy you’re less interested in.
I assume now that he’s being a little bit passive, you’re kind of stressed and checking your phone every few minutes. Don’t worry, he’ll reach out to you. BUT ONLY IF YOU DON’T REACH OUT TO HIM. You need to go cold turkey on him until you hear from him, and when you do, follow the rules above.
Don’t sweat it, sister. If you keep your distance and make him wonder if you’re even interested in him, he won’t be able to get you off of his mind.
Xo,
Smart Girl
Dear Smart Girl UPDATE!: I am still seeing the guy, surprisingly. Well maybe not so surprising to you. I will say, your advice DEFINITELY WORKS. I’ve always been hard-to-get for other guys in my life, just because I never really liked them. I was always the one being chased by multiple people at a time. But this guy, he was special. So with this guy, I decided to be different and be more forward. I thought, maybe I should do the chasing now since I really like him. Big mistake. But luckily, I came across your website before the ship sailed completely, and I did exactly what you told me to do. At first though, I was definitely thinking, “is this really necessary? I mean it’s 21st century. I am an independent woman. And I like this guy. So why should I play games?” And I was afraid that by letting the leash go, I was gonna let him get away completely. I was scared that that was gonna be the end of us. But what have I really got to lose by trying this out? I was already losing him by doing what I was doing.
So, I stopped texting him first. I stopped double texting him. I followed the 20 minute rule. At first he let it get up to 24 hours without us talking to each other. And then the more I acted like I didn’t care if he texted me, the sooner he’d text me. He seemed to go crazy whenever I didn’t text him back right away. And here we are today, he initiates most of the things in our relationship, and he loves it. I love it. Of course, when I text him, I am super friendly and loving like you told me to, but one thing changed – I let him chase me.
It’s been about a year since this guy and I met. I received a delivery of succulents and chocolates from him today, wishing me a good luck on my test. It made my heart so warm. And it’s something I never thought he’d do before. So your advice definitely works. I am so glad I came across your website randomly that day, and I listened to you. Sincerely, you saved my relationship, and most of all, you listened to me when I was desperate and feeling unloved.
Best,
Ms. Something’s (No Longer) Missing
Ask Smart Girl is the millennial advice column that talks everything love, sex, dating and relationships. For honest advice you think you can handle, send questions to Smart Girl at info@smartgirlknows.com