HOW TO GET A GUY IN 10 TEXTS

Good morning Smart Girls – and before I start, you’re welcome. Get your notebooks out and pay attention like Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde when she decides to actually get her shit together and show her ex-boyfriend that she’s smarter than his ugly new girlfriend – because you’re about to learn how to get a guy in ten texts.

Texting is sport. In fact, it should be a fucking Olympic sport and takes years of practice to get right. At this point in your Smart Girl career, you should have the texting thing down, but just in case you don’t, I’m here to show you exactly what to do when you’re clueless AF.

1. THE 25-MINUTE LATER TEXT

   Always wait 25 minutes before answering a text. Twenty if you’re impatient and spoiled. If you don’t wait, you look available and obsessed with him. Do whatever you need to do to wait it out. Watch Netflix, treat yourself to a 20-minute hair mask, stalk your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend on Instagram. Whatever. Just wait before you answer.

2. THE SINGLE TEXT TEXT

   Text him ONCE. ONLY ONCE. Don’t double text unless you really have to – which is never. And NEVER EVER EVER triple text. NO MATTER WHAT. If he hasn’t answered a text, don’t send another one unless you are begging to be rejected. If he’s over it, he’s over it and sending more texts will only make it worse.

3. THE SMART GIRL TEXT

   Whenever you answer him, be PLEASANT. That’s what Smart Girls do. I have a question: do you enjoy talking to grumpy people that aren’t fun? Neither does he. DON’T be a b*tch and send him to the principal’s office for not calling you all day. It isn’t going to help. So be pleasant and fun to talk to no matter what, even if you feel like pulling a total Kim K on Khloe and beating the shit out of him with your purse.

4. THE AFTER MIDNIGHT TEXT

   Smart Girls know not to answer for at least 25 minutes, but there are circumstances when it’s totally okay not to answer AT ALL. If he sends a text after midnight – it’s not a text, it’s a booty call. Smart Girls respect themselves and save their booty for guys who appreciate it, not guys that drunk text all the girls on their contact list in the middle of the night when they’re horny. Boy Bye.

5. THE ONE WORD ANSWER TEXT

   We also don’t answer one word texts like “ok” and “cool” because if he doesn’t make an effort to ask a question or at least put together a whole entire sentence, he’s over this conversation and therefore so are you. You’re just going to have to accept that and wait for him to text you again the next day. Answering a one-word text is PATHETIC. And Smart Girls are so much better than that.

6. THE BUSY TEXT

   If you’re laying in bed eating Oreos wearing a facemask and he asks what you’re up to, don’t tell him. Smart Girls are honest, but not way-too-honest. You need to seem as busy and ambitious as possible, so if he asks, you’re either out with friends or working on an artistic masterpiece/following your dreams. What you are absolutely NOT doing is laying in bed eating Oreos.

7. THE CAN’T HANG OUT TEXT

   If a guy asks to meet up the same night he texts you, the answer is NO. You can’t hang out tonight because you’re busy AF. If he wants to grab a drink, he should ask you at least ONE DAY in advance. That is not too much to ask. Seriously.

8. THE NO PUNCTUATION TEXT

   Smart Girls know the rules of grammar. They can recite all forms of punctuation in their sleep. HOWEVER. DON’T use punctuation in texts. Exclamation points are way too eager so stay away. And QUESTION MARKS are out of the question, especially on their OWN. If he hasn’t answered for the past four hours, why would he respond to your question mark text now? Please. The chances of him answering after a ??? question mark text are slimmer than Gigi Hadid during Paris fashion week.

9. THE POST-DATE THANK YOU TEXT

   If you went out on a date with a guy and actually enjoyed yourself regardless of the fact that you downed like five spicy jalapeño margaritas, it’s only right to thank him. I mean he better have probably did pick you up and pay for everything. Being polite is cute, so it’s fine to text him the next day saying thank you for last night.

10. THE SEXT TEXT

    Sexting is a total yes if you’ve been dating the guy for at least a few weeks. BUT, if you just met him – DON’T SEXT HIM. He’s never going to take you seriously if you show him your sexting skills before he’s even seen your face.

Kisses,

SGK