PLEASE. That annoying cliché about “women pigging out on ice cream after a breakup” is long gone. We eat ice cream anyway – any day. Heartbroken? Great. Perfect timing for a total life renovation.
I was engaged last year. My ex fiancé got down on one knee at the Shakespeare Garden in Central Park, set up a band to play John Legend’s All of Me, and asked me to marry him. I said yes, and nine months later, we broke up.
In every romantic comedy we’ve ever seen, it’s all about the ring. When will she get the ring? How many carats will it be? How is he going to propose? But guess what, reality says it shouldn’t be all about the ring. In fact, it shouldn’t even be about the wedding itself because who knows what can happen when you’re up at the altar. The movies should focus on after the knot is tied, the after-wedding party. Because until the deed is done, you just never know what God(dess) Almighty has in store. If I can break up with a guy after four years and a ring, anything can happen. So no, the lovelorn heroine’s goal shouldn’t be snagging the ring.
Because the ring was already on my finger, and then, I took it off.
My ex and I broke up three months ago. We dated for four years, moved to New York together, got engaged and then…I called it off.
It’s not easy walking into an empty apartment after a long day at work. It’s not easy checking your phone and having zero messages from anyone even remotely interesting besides your mother. It’s not easy confronting your questionable future, truly believing and coming to terms with the fact that you will probably be a husbandless, childless, cat lady. So basically, breaking up sucks, but like the female protagonists in the movies we’ve watched time and time again, we too can get over our ex. Here’s how.
Not all methods of dealing with breakups are created equal, so I have rated each method out of a maximum 10 princess emojis, because princesses are independent, respected, and overall have the best life.
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- WINE WITH BFF
It is definitely much more comforting to get drunk on the couch with your best friend if she’s single too. If not, you, like me, will have to deal with her stealthily screening calls from her boyfriend all night in an attempt to make you feel better. Still, after my relationship crumbled, my bff, Jess, and I sat on the couch with a bottle of white wine, talked about her life, her job, how she got mad at her boyfriend last night for texting his ex happy birthday – anything but my recent breakup. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings yet, I just wanted to forget them and pretend that everything was fine. Then, I hit the third glass of wine, and the tears began to flow. I couldn’t stop imaging the moment Jess would leave my apartment to go cuddle with her (lame, but still) boyfriend, and leave me sitting here on this stupid couch alone. Alone. I was not prepared for the deep emotional catharsis wine-after-a-breakup brings with it, but after crying hysterically and letting it all out, I felt a sense of relief. It’s almost something you just have to do. Maybe it’s corporate America brainwashing us to spend money on alcohol, replicate what we see on screen and drink wine out of the bottle with your BFF to sooth the pain. Maybe, maybe not. Either way, emotional unrest goes hand in hand with wine. And for that, I rate this method 6 princesses emojis.
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- CUT ALL SOCIAL MEDIA TIES
Delete, block, untag, e v e r y t h i n g. This approach is an absolute must. Let’s start with Facebook. First, delete any picture you put up with him or of him. You are no longer together, you don’t want to waste your time looking through old pictures and reminiscing over the memories you shared on vacation in Greece. If you’re not together, there’s a reason for that, and the best way to get over him is to delete him from your life, and today, social media is life. After deleting every picture you ever put up together, untag yourself from the rest of the pictures you two share. Untag, untag, untag. Don’t forget, you’re single now. You don’t want pictures of you and your ex kissing by the beach to ruin your chances of getting a message from the love of your life – or at least from the next rebound guy. After deleting and untagging, it’s officially time to unfriend. It’s quite simple, and although he may text you the following day asking why you’re “so immature”, do what is best for you. Unfriending him will save you the agony of looking through his photos, searching for the pictures he’s liked, and stalking the girl in the background of the picture he just put up with his buddies. Trust me, she’s not that interesting.
Next, move on to Instagram. Unfollow him as soon as you possibly can, but since I am assuming neither of you are on private, your best bet in this case is to block him. Block sounds harsh, I know, but you can always unblock him if you feel the unrelenting urge to snoop through his Insta pics, and, as a general rule, if he is blocked, your chances of stalking decrease dramatically. If he beats you to the chase and blocks you, you’ll probably be dying to look through his pictures just because you weren’t the one to block him first. If you literally can’t even, just make a fake account ~2hAwt2HAnDle~ and add him – although I recommend against it, for your sake.
And there you have it. We’ve come to a conclusion – you’ve broken up face to face, now its time to breakup online. Unfriend him on Facebook, block him on Instagram, unfollow him on twitter, delete him from Snapchat – everything. You’ll be doing yourself a favor and giving yourself more time to focus on much more important things – like firing up your vibrator. 10/10.
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- PUT UP A HOT GIRL PIC
It’s not that big of a deal, it just needs to happen. A hot girl picture is the epitome of breakups, the quintessential way to say – fuck you, I told you you’d be sorry. It is the classic “you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone”, “only know you love her when you let her go” mixed with Beyoncé’s “I ain’t sorry”. A hot girl pic makes his heart skip a beat, makes him pick up his phone, type you a text message, and delete it before her has the courage to hit send. Men are men and they think with their dicks. So, every single breakup, regardless of the reason, calls for the hot girl pic.
A hot girl pic can be an array of pictures, but the most successful of them all is the ‘hot girl bikini pic’. If you’re lucky enough to break up in the spring and summer seasons, your hot girl bikini pic will definitely be on fleek. You’ll be tan, skinnier than usual, you have the excuse to put up a bikini pic. If your breakup is a winter fall baby, you can either put up an indoor bikini picture with the caption #spaday, or simply upload a hot girl pic wearing super short shorts, high socks, and a comfy sweater (below).
A hot girl pic is the classic dealing with a breakup approach for three reasons.
IT TAKES TIME. Getting ready for the hot girl picture takes time, keeping you busy and, well, not crying. It finally gets you out of your sweatpants and into the shower. It takes hours to apply makeup, do your hair, think of the perfect place to take the picture, call over your bff to actually take the picture and try to make your thighs look skinny. Also, you spend even more time editing the picture with filters and photoshop apps – to make sure your thighs look skinny.
YOUR EX FINALLY FEELS LIKE SHIT. Your ex sees the hot girl picture, almost shits his pants, beats himself up over the fact that he let you go, and feels at least 1/8th as badly as you’ve been feeling the past month. Check.
YOU GET HIT ON. This is the most important reason – a hot girl pic doesn’t only work on your ex, it works on every guy with a D. And although the guy that texts or messages you after you upload a hot girl pic is probably not the man you’re going to marry, he’ll do the job for now. Plus, it feels damn good checking your Instagram DM inbox and seeing messages from the cuties of your past – even if they do take shirtless bathroom selfies.
So, the hot girl picture is necessary in every way. Personally, it got me lots-o-likes, a few Insta DMs, distracted me from moping around my apartment, and, with a little bit of Photoshop editing, gave me the ego boost I totally needed. On the down side, its only on social media, which is life, but isn’t real life. Two princesses.
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- WORK OUT. Don’t start an intense workout plan that will have you sweating bullets the first time you go but making sure that first time is your absolute last. Work out slow, go for a walk or a light jog, and slowly build your endurance. People say that after you work out routinely, you become addicted and fall in love with it. I happen to disagree with my whole being considering the fact that I’ve been working out for years and if I could, I’d never work out for another minute in my entire life. The point is, work out and you’ll feel much better, which, in turn will have you looking better, too. 5 Princesses.
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All in all, getting over your Ex isn’t easy. But the point shouldn’t be getting him back; it should be getting yourself back. Read books, paint your nails, go on a trip with your bff, renovate your apartment for all I care. Whatever it is, it should be all about you.
Kisses,
Smart Girl